OK….I’ll admit it, these last few months have been hellish and have taken me deeply into my own mis-trust, stored so carefully away inside this beautiful body of mine.  Slowly, ever so slowly my soul and I have been exploring all the long held beliefs that kept me trapped in fear! Steadily, we have moved inwards from the mental to the emotional realms, and finally arrived right here in my physicality, settling into the human biology, the densest and most stubborn place for transformation! Over these past fifteen or so years, all of the stuck aspects that had the power to rob me of joy and trust have been revealing themselves. We have been releasing together all these years, my soul and I, preparing for this moment of integration. Never did I expect the final hurdle to be such an obstinate one, able to endure and thereby expose all of the games and ways in which I sought confirmation from my mind of my own powerlessness. The more I wanted to know that I was well and there was nothing wrong with my body, the more the energy was serving my physicality turning outwards, seeking the peace and safety that I so desired. All the while, it was hiding right here inside of me, hiding in plain sight! All of the relief, comfort, solace and self love was right here waiting patiently for me to discover. As long as I was focused out side of myself, so was I,looking and never finding, an endless cycle of hide and seek! It is coming to an end now. It has been a bumpy ride, nightmarish at times and yet filled with more joy and loving support than I ever could have imagined for myself and each one flowing in so easily once the prior restriction; the fear had been faced, confronted, explored and allowed to dissolve in its own way on its own time line. Never was I alone, yet many times, I felt totally so.

It is so clear now looking backwards, that this journey of integrating all the lost and hopeless parts of me; those lives where I died never having reached fulfillment, that this desire to integrate and know all of me, has always been perfect, not easy, but perfect for me. Though it came as a complete surprise when my body started to show relentless symptoms of “something wrong” and I found myself being led back into a system that I did not trust or think that it was able to take care of me in the way that I wanted, I can see now that this is the only way that my unique energy field can resolve the old energy patterns that I came in with, that I chose to expand and find out if they were real. All of my life was set up for this to be so.  So as I lay on a table, having an ultrasound technician probing my belly looking for something wrong, observing how I was feeling, I was in such a state of divine detachment and grace that even when a doctor was called in for a consult, I did not flinch. My breathing did not falter, so determined am I to know and to experience my own state of divine perfection and truth. The path no longer holds much interest for me. I am now, quite simply more in the joy and gratitude of this journey called life; the marvelous unfolding which has brought me to this unique point of completion, than I am out. This is the Vortex that Abraham teaches about with so much grace and humor. I am feeling it. Tobias, Adamus and the entire Crimson Circle has led me steadily towards this leading edge of consciousness, as Jerry and Ester Hicks love to call it. And so  there I was lying on the examining table and feeling freer that I ever have, fear was absent. I felt myself in a kind of twilight zone, experiencing it all from afar and yet I felt myself more present than ever. Soon my reverie was interrupted by my examiner, who felt she needed to verify my identity, her confusion as to my chronological age of 55 clashing with who she thought she was examining; clearly a much younger woman! How funny it was to be quizzed about my secrets, “you must exercise” she exclaimed in one breathe, “but you have no wrinkles” in the next! All this, while I was lying on  a table trying to get to the bottom of why my body had been misbehaving of late, delighting in the dim lighting that must have been showing me off so well!

It felt like a full circle moment; that choice point that I had written about not long ago, here now to serve me. I was in it, “what do you choose?” my soul wants to know now. I can continue to believe that there is something wrong with me and it is only a matter of time before it is discovered, a ticking time bomb, so to speak or a I can finally and completely do what I  came in to do, choose LIFE! I can let go of all my past lives, the energies of which are still competing for my attention, wanting to resolve into something truer, via my  mind, my mind doing only what it is designed to do, which is to reach into my past and recycle from there. My  mind is bringing me over and over into this exact spot! What a joke, life has been waiting for me and I have been waiting for it!  No more, I understood everything that has been happening in my life up until this point has been only a re-occurrence of what I have already lived and experienced; my own unique “ground hog day!” Yet the miracle that is life itself, is always moving towards expansion. I came in with a longing to feel safe and free while embodied; to remember what I know as soon as I transition into the eternal. I came in to know and to remember that I AM GOD ALSO. All of us do, each one of us comes in ready to take part in the collective planetary re-balancing, by wanting to feel our own natural state of freedom and balance. It makes no difference if this experience is longed for in the physical or any other of our bodies, our mental, emotional or spiritual. WE have all done this earth walk many times, each one or many, and will continue to do so until we achieve mastery of whatever  we are here experiencing. Naturally my physical body had to take me directly into where I must have left off in a previous lifetime; the place where the fear settled in, for this is where my freedom lies. My body, that ultimately I have always been afraid of and the medical world, are and have always been an integral part of my healing; my journey to wholeness or holiness, as I like to call it! All those years spent avoiding what I had come to judge as a very dysfunctional system, serving the process of disease more than ease, now makes sense. My unconscious choice to protect myself from the fear that I felt in a very unbalanced medical world allowed the opportunity of discovering  a wealth of supports and treasures contained within the alternative health system.  Life had simply brought me to the place of natural completion, the medical world, when my soul knew that I was strong enough to allow the resolution.  All energy seeks resolution. I had chosen freedom and so it has been mine to find and to feel. MY soul has been working steadily towards this moment forever. All of life is here to serve me, whether it is serving unconsciously my need to not feel and protect or enters into a more conscious union with me, it doesn’t really matter. It is working anyway, it is impossible to get life wrong, impossible! WOW…that feels good, really, really good!

As a young child I had a repetitive dream. In it I felt so afraid, congested, my breath restricted and my body so uncomfortable. I felt as though I was compressed into a piece of metamorphic rock, having experienced the immense pressure necessary to force the various pieces into one solid mass! I awoke many times in this state of extreme fear. The beauty was that my dream also held the opposite truth….the sensation of being a free spirit, unencumbered by physicality and it showed up as though I was a white string, floating endlessly in space and in this part of my dream,I always felt calm and at peace, my breath coming easily,  no fear and no constriction. It is a place of complete trust and I know that this exists, I always have. It is inside of me, the ALL that I AM.

My life has been moving me always and steadily towards this memory, this point of integration, this homecoming. For years the dream was totally forgotten, but as I began to awaken to the inner state of fear and anxiety, in which I lived, one that simply did not match the outer reality of my creation, I began to want to feel better and to be more of who I AM. And so it began, this incredible journey towards SELFhood, with my divine leading the way. This beautiful body of mine is here to serve me in beauty and grace. It is my best friend and always has been and today, at long last, I know my SELF.

Today I feel all of me turning a brave new corner with my writing and giving myself full permission to express this voice of spirit that I AM, have always been and now will share with you. Together we will create a new path forward, for here the territory is brand new, the world that we are creating is collaborating with us. Sounds brash, I know! I am, I know and I honor this. My greatest desire was always to feel safe inside and out and I do. I am a new energy conscious shifting pioneer and you are too or YOU would not be here reading this! Oh your path will be different and probably nothing like mine, yet we will recognize each other and the immense courage that it takes to discover our own “I AM THAT I AM” presence.  You are amazing and I am honored, truly honored if one word or one phrase that I write may find it’s way to you and support your unfolding or inspire you to be all  that you are and I know you to be, then my journey has been worthwhile and this moment in time complete. It is time, we are all ready.

Brenda’s Energy Postings are now and forever taking a new flavor; one that speaks from heart and truth and will bravely go where few souls have gone before, deep into the heart of LIFE. If you are ready. I AM.

Brenda Harley

February 10, 2012.