So much is coming into my awareness these days, that my only problem seems to be what to focus on to move forward! Ahh, such a problem to have after such a long sojourn off, well at least I now know how to breathe! Practice does in fact make perfect and of all the tools that I have tucked into my tool belt, it is by far the most practical, available and trans-formative to boot!

It has been a long haul crossing this dimensional bridge out of the old 3D fear based level of consciousness into a freer feeling, more flexible and much gentler…lol…on myself….space of 5th dimensional energies. To think that I pretty much got here all on my own, stumbling around in the dark, cursing a fair bit, I am a Maritimer after all, and eventually and very naturally, landing deep inside of me; this sweet still space of acceptance that is always here for me. Why it sounds down right breezy when I say it like that, but to have walked in my footsteps, feeling at times such overwhelming fear that I had to retreat even from my own grocery store (!!!), one would have much more compassion for ones SELF, I know that I certainly do! And this folks is how we do it; how we leave our own prison type belief system that continually runs the negative “what ifs” keeping us forever looping into cycles that bring us time and again back to the exact same place! Einstein’s theory of relativity in full swing! You really can’t get here from there folks, oh but how we like to TRY!

All I know for sure is that I arrived at a time in my life, when I was “happy’, had everything that I ever wanted and yet this great “unease’ kept screaming for my attention. It was only when I started to hear myself, that I really began to change. Yes, It is true. First I had to slow down…a lot! Next came the awareness that I had no breath and yoga floated into my life and “fitness” floated off! Always the challenge, “can I just take care of my own feelings first, while being aware of others?” How many times did I hear myself say to my partner, “I know that you feel like I am doing something to you (to irritate you, let’s just say) but really I am choosing this FOR ME! So I am dealing with all of my feelings that are trying to convince me that I can’t, finding all the way that guilt operates in me and I am asking you…hah, telling you actually, to pick up your own feelings. I’m no longer responsible!” It was hard, ask him! Yet, I knew intuitively, that had I not begun this journey back towards myself by picking up the responsibility for my feelings, that we would never make it. I had put way too much responsibility for creating my happiness over onto this shoulders and had entirely lost my way, lost my joy. Motherhood had consumed me. I was afraid that danger lurked in every crevice and had given up more than I dared to admit. Yet when I look back now, never had I truly been lost. This very experience is what provided me access into long lost feelings of captivity that I needed to feel, feelings that kept me trapped in all of my own demonic “I can’ts, I really want to but don’t even begin to know how to give myself permission to say yes to that”! In short, to remember and to free myself from all the ways that I stopped myself from being all that I am and doing what I wanted…me, no body else! No one to blame and this is a big one! This is the “shift”; the bridge that we each cross, within and without.

SO I am out now, this is what I have been doing these past 12 years or so, when every body else just seemed to be able to carry on somehow, I stopped. I chose another path, one of integration, where all of my shadow parts could catch my attention and come home to be loved and accepted inside of me. YUP…absolutely doing “nothing” on the outside and yet so much happening deep within! It has been far from easy, this path of conscious expansion; growing awareness, though the rhetoric has been pretty easy to learn. It is every where now, “simply breathe, be in the now moment!” “Oh yeah, well what if in this figgin’ now moment I feel powerless and crappy, a hostage in my own life, feeling as though I don’t know how to get to where I want, which is just to feeling better! S… does it really have to be so hard?”

NO, I discovered, not really but I did need to reach for things that helped me feel better and I had to listen in to my own guidance, which was always there for me when I allowed myself to connect in. Yes, it was as simple as breathing. Yes, this is how we do it folks! Crossing the bridge takes tremendous fortitude. It takes unwavering focus, knowing without a doubt while feeling many(!!) that there is something just over the rainbow, something that feels better, a new relationship with life and that some how, some way, we are determined to get there! Yes, folks…these are the NEW F words….feeling, fortitude, forward, focus….all great words describing what it takes to hang in there, as the old world  crumbles around us, we loose our way, feel lost and alone and then slowly begin to feel a new sense of hope blossoming within, a new flow of creativity opens, our passion for life returns and before we know it…hah…we’ve landed safely on the other side, where we begin again! Yes, sometimes that old traditional F word can still help shift a lot of old pent up energy that is ready to move out or it can even be your physical body releasing! Let’s not take it so personally. We asked for this, we’re ready, so let’s focus forward and begin building! Conscious creation only needs a few conscious creators….are you one? I am.

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